8 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Who’s Grieving

Grief is one of the most painful human experiences, and when someone is grieving, words carry enormous emotional weight. Even well-intentioned comments can unintentionally deepen their pain or make them feel misunderstood. Supporting a grieving person requires sensitivity, empathy, and an understanding of what not to say.

Here are eight phrases you should avoid—and what to say instead—to offer genuine comfort during someone’s most vulnerable moments.

1. “I know exactly how you feel.”

Although it may sound supportive, this phrase assumes that grief is universal. The truth is: every loss is deeply personal.

Why This Hurts:

Saying this shifts the focus away from the grieving person and minimizes their unique emotional experience.

How It Shows Up:

You draw comparisons to your own losses, unintentionally making the conversation about yourself.

What to Say Instead:

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”

2. “Everything happens for a reason.”

This phrase attempts to find meaning in tragedy, but during fresh grief, it can feel dismissive or emotionally invalidating.

Why This Hurts:

It assumes their pain has a logical explanation—something they are rarely ready to accept in the early stages of loss.

How It Shows Up:

Trying to comfort them by giving spiritual or philosophical explanations they didn’t ask for.

What to Say Instead:

“I’m deeply sorry for your loss. You don’t have to make sense of anything right now.”

3. “They’re in a better place now.”

Even if said with kindness, this phrase might conflict with the person’s beliefs or simply feel emotionally premature.

Why This Hurts:

It suggests the grieving person shouldn’t feel sad because the loved one is supposedly better off—minimizing their present pain.

How It Shows Up:

Trying to shift their focus to positivity instead of acknowledging their grief.

What to Say Instead:

“I know how much they meant to you. Their memory will always be with you.”

4. “You need to be strong.”

Encouraging strength might seem helpful, but it can pressure someone to hide their emotions rather than express them.

Why This Hurts:

It implies that crying or feeling overwhelmed is a sign of weakness, which can intensify guilt and emotional suppression.

How It Shows Up:

Expecting them to be composed or telling them to “hold it together.”

What to Say Instead:

“It’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling. You don’t have to be strong right now.”

5. “At least they lived a long life.”

Grief doesn’t follow logic. Even if someone lived many years, the pain of losing them is real and profound.

Why This Hurts:

It minimizes the magnitude of their loss and attempts to rationalize grief that cannot be rationalized.

How It Shows Up:

Trying to help them “see the bright side” instead of acknowledging their sadness.

What to Say Instead:

“It’s completely understandable that you miss them deeply.”

6. “You’ll get over it soon.”

Grief has no timeline. Telling someone they’ll “get over it” invalidates their emotional process.

Why This Hurts:

It pressures them to move on quickly and suggests their grief is temporary or exaggerated.

How It Shows Up:

Comments implying they should “bounce back” or start acting normal sooner than they’re ready.

What to Say Instead:

“Take all the time you need. Healing looks different for everyone.”

7. “You should be grateful for the time you had together.”

While gratitude can be part of healing, it cannot replace the intensity of grief when the loss is fresh.

Why This Hurts:

It subtly shames the grieving person for feeling sad instead of appreciative.

How It Shows Up:

Encouraging them to focus only on positive memories instead of allowing them to grieve naturally.

What to Say Instead:

“It’s okay to feel heartbroken. Your grief shows how much love was there.”

8. “Let me know if you need anything.”

Although well-meaning, this phrase puts the burden of asking for help on someone who is already overwhelmed.

Why This Hurts:

Grieving people often don’t have the mental energy to identify what they need or reach out.

How It Shows Up:

Offering open-ended help that they are unlikely to request.

What to Say Instead:

Offer something specific:

“I’m going to bring you dinner tomorrow—would you prefer something light or warm?”

or

“I’ll check in on you later this week. You’re not alone.”

Conclusion

Supporting someone who is grieving is less about finding the perfect words and more about offering presence, empathy, and understanding. The wrong phrases—even when said with good intentions—can unintentionally deepen their pain.

By avoiding these eight statements and replacing them with compassionate alternatives, you provide genuine emotional support that honors their grief and respects their healing journey.